Holidays

You know it is strange, I just now really realized why I have had such a distaste for holidays in the past. I think it all boils down to the fact that I do not really have a family. I mean, I have a mother and a father and a half sister and two half brothers. But, you know, they do not ACT like they are my family.

Maybe I have to high of expectations from them. Maybe I expect them to reach out a little more to me. Maybe I like hearing "I love you" or "happy birthday" a little more than I get now. Which is like hardly ever. The only times my mother has been generous or attentive to me in the past was when I was in a relationship, and I think that is just because she wants grand babies :/

So yeah, over the years I just sort of grew cold to them. I do not even have my birthday visible on faceplace. I just have been so cold and hurt by their distance over the years it is insane.

Yeah, was I a perfect son? NO. Was I a perfect brother? NO. Did I sort of expect a little forgiveness and understanding after all of these years? OF COURSE. They are my family after all.

But, being the odd man out in the family was always hard. I had a different father than both of my brothers, so there was a little uneven love going around. And I think that the many years of my step father drilling it into my mother's head that I was some sort of demon child just sort of took hold. Shit, he even had ME believing I was a terrible person. For years.

I have been included in some festivities with friends in the last few years, I guess some of my friends sort of caught on that I was always at home, in Atlanta, while my family is in FL for every holiday that would pass. I mean it is sweet and all, I just crave an actual FAMILY you know? It is rough. So yeah, around the holiday times I get a little weird and a little sad. It has everything in the world to do with my family.

Maybe one day I will have a family, and I can give someone real memories and a family that will be with them forever and ever.

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It is all different

Have you ever woken up, and the feel of the sun coming into the blinds is not bad at all?

There used to be times when every day felt the same, like nothing would ever change and I would be left to repeat my patterns until I grew numb to them all. I would fall asleep alone, in my big ass bed, huddled into a ball grabbing my pillow and hoping to sleep. Yeah, to say it sucked would be an understatement. I also would feel a little guilty and bad sometimes, because I was so very emotionally unavailable for just about everyone. I would sometimes make a connection with someone only to see it was not shared. Let me tell you, those were dark days. This went on for years. YEARS I tell you.

Things change, and people change, and the me of 3 years ago is vastly different than the me of today.

I will never make any compromise, or do things that do not make me happy. Every action I take every day for the rest of my life will be done with happiness and joy. I have found a type of bliss and happiness that people look for their entire lives and never find.

If you really, REALLY knew how I was feeling at this very moment, my dear reader, you would be overcome with jealously and lust for the passion my heart is on fire with. You would do anything to try and make it your own, to steal it away from me if you did not have it.

I keep sitting down and trying to make sense of words that can express how much this love is, how deep and real it is. I keep stumbling around, looking for the right words to express. Words are frustrating when it comes to matter of the heart and soul. In my heart, I am married to this woman of my dreams, and nothing can change that.

So my dear reader, more than likely my only reader, what do you say. May I have this feeling forever? I promise to never turn my back on you, to never leave you alone to suffer, to never EVER throw you under the buss, to never say negative things to my friends (if they ever surfaced), to never abuse you in bad ways, to listen to you, to love you, to hold you, every day you will let me.

This feeling staying around is dependent on you. I know that this feeling will keep making you happy, and you will keep doing what makes you happy. :)

I need you more than I have ever needed someone in my entire life.

<3

Are we REALLY getting a bunny?

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Stabby mc stab stab

So I was digging through some photos online trying to find some of my family when I ran across the ones your friend took of you that one time. You were wearing those shiny fake leather pants and eating lolis and sporting hello kitty half-asian cuteness. I have a thing for dark hair with bright colors mixed in, the fact you were not just a plain jane white girl. You were rad, and cool, and hip and practically emotionless just like me. Talking to you was amazing. We had so much in common, music, movies, life goals, drugs, you fucking name it. We would chat on AIM all day, skype when we could, and I could feel us growing closer and closer. There was never an admission of love, or fonder feelings. And I knew you never really shared them, because that one drunk night when I said "it would suck to not have you to talk to" you heard that, that want in my voice, the hint there is something more there. Instantly it was any excuse not to talk, and you said "I am no longer ok with you, never speak to me again" and I haven't. Not in a year, since it has just been over 12 months now.

I resented you for that night, for taking it all so fast and serious. Did I want more from you? Of course, I was slowly starting to wake up and be able to actually have feelings for someone again, my heart was dead for so long and you were waking it up.

I am so glad you did this act though. I became more guarded, started being alone more, stopped searching, stopped looking, stopped caring and being ok with the thought that maybe there was no one in the world for me.

It was because of you I put my plans on hold to move to NY, because I did not want to risk ever running into you.

Because of you I dug in and got a new job here in Atlanta, instead of running away like I always do.

Because of you I ended up right where I am today.

And today is beautiful.

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She took me in, and made me coffee, I gave her 90%

So I know I was supposed to write in this a LONG time ago. But, after having our break I had little to report on.

Life was quiet, life was easy...but life was REALLY fucking boring. I was sure that life would just be this way. Interesting people, nice conversations. Boring sex. No connections. Just thought I would never ever EVER know what it was like (love). I was searching but then I gave up, and there you were. Our connection was instant, like a flash, and I found you in my arms.

Now I know, or at least I am pretty sure I know and it scares the ever loving SHIT out of me.

Of course while I am writing this "Such Great Heights" comes on my Pandora. Oh music, how you are in my head. Much like you are in my head and my heart. <3

Why does this scare me? I have finally allowed someone to make me happy, to let them in a little bit. This is the scariest fucking thing ever in my life. Why? Because she could leave me. She could pick up and run. She could decide there is someone better.

It is just a prick, a tiny bit of fear, but the fear is the worst it has ever been in my life. EVER.

I have faith, and a belief that she is the one. She is my soul mate. That she has made me feel what love is.

I have faith that this will not happen, that she will run towards me and not away. Something amazing and divine had put us on this patch, I do not believe it was to crush and torture me, but to bring us within each other's lives.

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Cleaned it out

My very neglected blog just got cleaned out. Yes indeed it did, I will actually start to post in here some.

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