Holidays

You know it is strange, I just now really realized why I have had such a distaste for holidays in the past. I think it all boils down to the fact that I do not really have a family. I mean, I have a mother and a father and a half sister and two half brothers. But, you know, they do not ACT like they are my family.

Maybe I have to high of expectations from them. Maybe I expect them to reach out a little more to me. Maybe I like hearing "I love you" or "happy birthday" a little more than I get now. Which is like hardly ever. The only times my mother has been generous or attentive to me in the past was when I was in a relationship, and I think that is just because she wants grand babies :/

So yeah, over the years I just sort of grew cold to them. I do not even have my birthday visible on faceplace. I just have been so cold and hurt by their distance over the years it is insane.

Yeah, was I a perfect son? NO. Was I a perfect brother? NO. Did I sort of expect a little forgiveness and understanding after all of these years? OF COURSE. They are my family after all.

But, being the odd man out in the family was always hard. I had a different father than both of my brothers, so there was a little uneven love going around. And I think that the many years of my step father drilling it into my mother's head that I was some sort of demon child just sort of took hold. Shit, he even had ME believing I was a terrible person. For years.

I have been included in some festivities with friends in the last few years, I guess some of my friends sort of caught on that I was always at home, in Atlanta, while my family is in FL for every holiday that would pass. I mean it is sweet and all, I just crave an actual FAMILY you know? It is rough. So yeah, around the holiday times I get a little weird and a little sad. It has everything in the world to do with my family.

Maybe one day I will have a family, and I can give someone real memories and a family that will be with them forever and ever.

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